Finding my voice

I’ve been thinking of writing this post for a long time, and finally set today as the deadline for actually doing so. And then I woke up this morning with laryngitis. The irony is not lost on me. But that’s ok, I don’t need to be able to talk to be able to speak my truth. Here goes:

 
I’ve been reading the words of autistic bloggers for some months now. Even before my son was officially diagnosed, I knew I was right about him, and that I too was autistic. I can’t remember the first autistic blogger whose words I read, or how I managed to find my way to them while mostly avoiding the Autism Mom sites. But once I’d found them, I quickly followed their links and found a whole world I’d never known existed. I had stumbled upon my tribe.

And I found I too had things to say. And wanted a way to share my thoughts other than just commenting on the words of others. And so, I’m starting this blog. An act of bravery, an act of love, perhaps an act of foolishness. But more an act of trying to keep my sanity. I have these words inside my head and I need to get them out, breathe life into them and set them free.

I’m not sure what the process is like for other bloggers. But for me, I have thoughts and words and sentences that spin around and around my head for days, weeks, months. And when I finally sit down to write, they all spew forward, already formed into a coherent mass. So, I just write them down as they are. I don’t do re-writes, I don’t agonise on every word, I just check for typos and move on. That seems to be my style.

Because of how I write, I find embedding links etc wrecks my flow. Even if I add them in afterwards. So, I’m going to add a page with links and another with references, unless the post really really needs embedded links. That’s what works for me and I hope it can work for you too.

Also, as I’m new to this, I’m bound to make mistakes in my wording and in my judgement. If you notice anything of this nature, please leave a comment. I will read, I will correct and I will learn. Because every day I am learning. Learning to live, learning to write, learning to find my voice.

[Words in black on a mint green background: An act of bravery, an act of love, perhaps an act of foolishness.]

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Who am I?

 Who am I but merely these typed words on a screen. These words and thoughts and emotions that you have to take at face value. I have learnt the hard way that just because someone writes something, doesn’t mean it’s true. That some people will misrepresent themselves, or downright lie. That they will claim to be ill, dying, in a coma, to get attention. It is known as Munchausen’s by Internet.

So, as I write these words, I ask you to trust me, to believe me. And all I can do in return, is pledge to write my truth. I cannot prove it is true, I can just ask for your trust. And know that if you give it, it is a gift. So, I will write my truth and hope it is enough.

I cannot, however, be completely honest about my children. I must respect their privacy. I must lie about their names, give them false identities, like undercover superheroes or those in a witness protection program. Because protect them I must. The Internet is not a safe place for us innocents.

And so, who am I? I am merely someone who writes better than they can speak. Who seeks refuge in an online world, a world that is not perfect nor perfectly safe. But one that will do. It will have to do.

Who am I? Join me, trust me if you can, and find out.

[White words on a black background: Who am I but merely these typed words on a screen?

Red heart symbol above the words. ]