To Judith With Love…or maybe not. #BoycottToSiri

Dear Judith,

I know you won’t mind me writing about you without asking you, or even telling you, beforehand. You’ve made it perfectly clear that that’s a fine thing to do. Maybe one of your supporters will tell you and you’ll get a nice surprise.

And I’m sorry I won’t be describing your looks. I can’t call you a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because, quite frankly, you’re not. But even if your looks suggested you were “gamine”, I wouldn’t use such a sexist and infantilizing description. But if I did use a descriptor for you that you objected to, then ooops, I’m sorry if you’re offended. I was only trying to pay you a compliment without actually stopping to think about what the words actually mean. You should be grateful to me. I may even send some fans your way because you obviously can’t manage very well without me misrepresenting you.

And if you or anyone else objects, especially if they belong to a group of people that I’m writing about, a group that I’m not part of and know next to nothing about apart from my preconceptions, then I’ll simply block you all. Because I’m “very friendly”. And if you object to anything I write, then you’re simply a bully and a troll and lack Theory of Mind.

I’m sure you won’t mind if I write a book about how I want to sterilize you. Because I simply can’t fathom how someone like you could be a parent. Yes, I have decided you shouldn’t have children. And I’m going to tell the world of this fact. Pity I don’t also have your porn search history, as that would make a lovely addition to my book. Help to keep it real.

And I’m not going to ask your consent to write about you. Or ask you your thoughts. Do you even have thoughts? Are you capable of such things? I have no clue but I’m just going to make up a load of shit about people like you. Maybe throw in some out of date research to pretend my thoughts have some legitimacy. Maybe I’ll say that you are brain damaged. That’s always a good way to get pity from the public.

And if other people like me read my book, maybe they will get the genius idea to have annoying people like you sterilized too. And if they do, I will claim I’m horrified by the idea. That I was just talking about you and not anyone else and how could they think such a thing. I’m quite good at faking outrage as it happens. Anything to drive up book sales.

But you know, dear Judith, I’m not going to do any of those things. Because I actually care about peoples privacy. And don’t promote eugenics.


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